I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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