now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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