You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
