Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
