The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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