eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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