I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
