I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
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I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
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You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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