they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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