do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
