We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
