i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Never underestimate the power of titties
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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