I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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