when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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