I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Less talking, more tequila
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
