Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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