My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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