My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
