I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
