It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she told me i tasted like america
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
