Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
