Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole a fireplace last night.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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