I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The struggles of a small town man whore
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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