I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
