I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize