i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
