Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
