I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
