please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you inspire me to be a worse person
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
