I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
