all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
