I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
