It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
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