no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
