please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
