There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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