they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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