dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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