I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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