im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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