Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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