I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
