You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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