You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
