no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i will never coherently bang her
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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