I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
