I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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