Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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