R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
