I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
