You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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