I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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