I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
