dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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