I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
