Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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